man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
All I want is some guy to eat me out while I work on grad school things then go on his way
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
Randomize
