if i can run in heels then i can drive
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
this is an emotional support booty call
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
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