The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
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I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
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I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
So, I almost went hone with a French guy and a drag queen. Together. Then I became sober enough to realize, that's not my style.
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