it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
