Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Guess who won a basket of sex toys in front of his parents, aunts, uncles, sister, and cousin...
Randomize
