Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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