The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"
5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
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