and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I might not remember all of last night but I clearly remember the part where I humped the mailbox.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just talked to him. no worries he had the same fears you did this morning and smelled the dryer to make sure. you officially did not pee in there haha
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
Randomize
