my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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