MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
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