just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
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He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
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I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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