don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
