well I can't set my house on fire every night
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
Randomize
