I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
found a new level of pathetic. i watched a guy pick out cigarette butts from a jar that weren't completely finished. make sure you go somewhere in life.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Still had our rainbow strip poker new years tradition. End of night we were only wearing mask.
Did you get the usual surprise pics from the strange straight you like to sprinkle in.
Randomize
