if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Another reason why I like dubstep now, it makes me feel even higher than I already am.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
