I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Just think of your bundle of joy thats on its way. And how hes gunna rip your vagina apart
Die.
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Everytime I give him head I make him rub my back. Teamwork at it's finest.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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