It's like a parade of train wrecks.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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