she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
