***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
is it really weird I just got "suckable tits" in my honesty box and I'm flattered??
My balls are so social today.
I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
"Clean/organize my room day" turned into "Blast my old Jock Jams cds while getting high as fuck with a strobe light day"
passed out in the hallway last night, now I'm sitting down in the shower, eating lukewarm canned soup out of Tupperware, listening to Carly rae jepsen.. I had a rough night.
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
so... i have a picture of you and three other girls making kissy faces at this giant stuffed banana you're holding. however, you seem to be violently screaming at it.
Those bitches did NOT have my back.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
