FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
i am making flyers for the homeless letting them know about free chipolte day
These 23 People Walked In On Someone And Saw Some Crazy Sh*t
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
Confessions From 23 People Who Have Been Hiding Terrible Secrets
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?