No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
