bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
Randomize
