So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
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I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
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why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
I don't know what to do about my nipple.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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