i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
