I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
I'm getting to the point of going up to a guy and saying "Hi I'm maggie and i can put my foot behind my head"... That desperate.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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