Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
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