I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
