There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I'll report later on the progress of the mountain orgy
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
