After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
okay, this is the fifth time he asked if it was in yet. maybe i shouldn't have dated a blind guy.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Randomize
