matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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