are you so shy because you have an std?
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
Someone shattered a urinal.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
Sorry about all of the penis things that happened last night.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
Randomize
