A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
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