I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Randomize
