things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
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