I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
