Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Randomize
