guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
I wish they made helmets for livers.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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