based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I need to align my fucking chakras
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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