Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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