The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
No it's a real cult, with original ideas and shit like that
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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