He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
