youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
I didn't mean to leave you there I just didn't know him well enough to throw up in his bathroom.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I told you all we needed steroids to survive the tour de franzia, like the bikers. But nobody listened...
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
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