my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
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