I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
I guess she didn't feel like it. There was hair all over it and everything
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
Sorry about bonging beers with your mom but in all fairness you were late...
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize
