She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
Randomize
