His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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