One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
