I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I just spent a pre-4th of july celebration riding in a raft being towed by a car through a town that I've never heard of handing out flyers for a river rafting company that I never knew existed. Good night.
SHE SITS THERE LIKE A DICK LIKE AN ACTUAL DICK JUST LIMP AND DUMB AND BLAH
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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