Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Randomize
