How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
He came on my face and he was genuinely concerned about getting it in my hair. I'm marrying him.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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