why does my vagina smell like weed?
omg thats a great idea
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
