Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
Randomize
