I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
Randomize
