So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My liver just had a heart attack.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
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