Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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